To Maya's Prospective Male Roommate
by tiramisuspice
Summary: Here's my advice to you: Pack your bags, turn around, walk out that front door, find a new apartment, and never look back. Best, Lucas Friar.


**Companion piece to 'To Lucas' Prospective Female Roommate'.**

 **Had to write this because I was so unbelievably bored haha... Beats studying for finals. That's for sure.**

 **A/N: Just a word vomit piece on my headcanons of Maya as someone's roommate. Might add more later if I think of more and am bored.  
**

 **Rated T for Terrible Roommates**

 **Enjoy!**

 **UPDATE 05.04.15: #37 has been added thanks to a good idea by a Guest :) (Thank you Guest!)**

 **UPDATE 05.07.15: Added #38 and 39 on a whim.**

 **UPDATE 10.26.15: Added #40 just cause and added a bit of stuff to the ending.  
**

 **UPDATE 01.11.15: Added #41 on a whim.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own GMW.**

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To Maya's Prospective Male Roommate:

Hello.

I know what you must be thinking. _The_ Maya Hart, one of New York's most impressive Hyperrealist artists, is going to be your roommate? You get to live with and share meals with and regularly talk to one of New York's most famous and finest? What a great opportunity!

Here's my advice to you: Pack your bags, turn around, walk out that front door, find a new apartment, and _never_ look back.

I know this warning sounds melodramatic, and you'll probably disregard it, because, _hell_ , it's _Maya Frickin Hart_. But I implore you to take heed of my advice, for it will save you months of agony and despair.

So to better persuade you, I have provided you with a list of the lifestyle, excuse me… _torture_ , I've had to endure these past seven months living with her. The things I've had to witness. The atrocities I've had to live with. Maybe if you read them all, you can make the right decision and leave before you get tied down to a contract.

So without further ado...

Maya Hart As A Roommate:

1\. Refuses to wash dishes, sweep the floor, take out the trash, etc, but constantly complains about how dirty and messy the apartment is.

2\. Paints at _ungodly_ hours of the night while blasting death metal.

3\. Uses up pretty much all the toilet paper and makes you buy more.

4\. Clogs the shower with _clumps_ of blonde hair that you will ultimately have to fish out or call a plumber. (And trust me. It is _revolting_ ).

5\. Sheds. Hair. All. Over. The. Place.

6\. Finishes your Greek yogurt within two days of you buying it after she tells you that she hates it at the grocery store.

7\. Labels all her food and snacks and attacks you if you so much as look at her stuff.

8\. Drinks everything straight from the carton and puts it back in the fridge even if it's nearly empty.

9\. Hates the way your room smells apparently, but always takes naps in your bed.

10\. Makes fun of your wardrobe relentlessly, yet always wears your clothes, all the time, every day.

11\. Throws crazy parties, passes out in your bed, and leaves you to clean up the trash the next day.

12\. Gets drunk as hell on weekdays and comes back in the early hours of the morning. And pukes all over the couch and the carpet. Which you _will_ have to clean up.

13\. Tries to hook up with you when completely wasted. And pukes all over the couch and the carpet. Which you _will_ have to clean up.

14\. Gets plastered anytime her mother calls her. And pukes all over the couch and the carpet. Which you _will_ have to clean up.

15\. Takes a piss while you're showering and flushes the toilet which freezes the water (and laughs about your plight in your face).

16\. Gets these random urges to try to cook something, fails miserably, leaves the kitchen a giant mess, and leaves you to clean aforementioned mess.

17\. Paints without opening doors and windows, so the apartment smells like paint fumes all week, giving you migraines.

18\. Likes to keep the temperature of the apartment at below sixty to keep "creative juices flowing in her mind" (fights you if you object or try to change the temperature).

19\. Leaves tubes of open paint all over the floor, so you inevitably slip on said paint tubes and wind up sprawled on your ass with paint on your back.

20\. Drinks all your booze, and fills all the empty bottles up with water and food colouring to make them look full.

21\. Uses all your shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, mouthwash, deodorant, etc, and never replaces them.

22\. Puts red or blue underwear and socks with your laundry and ruins every article of white clothing you own.

23\. Forces you to buy tampons and a shit ton of ice cream for her on her bad period days. (And you _will_ know when they're bad).

24\. Borrows your car for days on end and returns it without any gas and with a flat (but she won't tell you until you're running late for work and rushing to hurry up and get out.)

25\. Hits on your guy friends shamelessly during guy's nights and somehow, manages to turn it into an evening of relationship advice.

26\. Brings over guys and makes you suffer countless sleepless nights.

27\. Takes care of her… _problem_ quite loudly and quite vividly.

28\. Leaves her underwear all over the apartment.

29\. Walks around the apartment fresh out of the shower in tiny towels.

30\. (As a consequence, all three of the above issues will leave you with a constant and serious case of blue balls…)

31\. Promises to pay you back for all the stuff you've bought for her or she's finished... and never does.

32\. Has hours long phone conversations with her best friend Riley way late in the night (I'm talking 3-6 AM).

33\. Loses her keys twice a month, and then uses the spare key and loses that too, and then uses _your_ key… and loses that too.

34\. Intrudes on your one night stands to ask for your card to order takeout… wearing panties and one of your shirts. (Yeah… you won't be getting laid that night.)

35\. Forgets to pay rent frequently, forcing you to pick up her slack if you want to be able to shower that week.

36\. Watches Netflix on your profile (despite having her own) and ruins all of your recommendations and episodes to watch.

37\. Takes forever and a day in the bathroom _especially_ when you need to go.

38\. Brings random stray animals in from the street and stores them in your room.

39\. Asks what you want from the store and then doesn't bother getting it at all.

40\. Leaves her used tissues all over the place when sick.

41\. Hoards everything and anything and refuses to throw it out regardless of lack of space. Do not go in her room. It's a dark place.

42\. And finally, uses your razor to shave her legs. And her armpits. And her… _you know_.

Aside from all of that, Maya is a great roommate and will probably become your best friend. So… take care of her, alright? She's a good person.

Best,

Lucas Friar


End file.
